So here comes the school year again. It’s a new one. The 2015-2016 school year.
I wonder if schools have changed so much since I’ve been in them or if I just have “adult goggles” on.
I don’t know.
I’m not looking forward to going back and as a matter of a fact I continue to work at not going back in all and anyways that I can.
I suppose that if I do go back it is totally my fault because, you see, if i believe that you can do anything you want in life, then I should be able to get past this hump of the transition between teaching and not teaching and get over this phase in my life.
I don’t want to teach in a public school.
It’s not that I don’t want to teach at all.
I enjoy teaching.
I don’t enjoy crack head parents that come in high to high school meetings about their child’s progress or how some come in and try to berate their child in front of you like that will do any good!
I’ve seen almost all of it.
I can’t say I’ve seen it all because I have yet to see a parent physically abuse their child in front of me, but if you ask me….physiological abuse in some ways is far worse on a young mind than physical abuse.
A student of mine recently lost her mother to heroine.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
I give all the credit in the world to those teachers who stay in the profession and go in and out of the teaching battle field day after day knowing that even if they try their hardest, there will still be kids that die, that lose mothers, that get pregnant, that abuse their children and the cycle goes on and on and on.
I’ve seen so much about humanity in my years of teaching that I’m actually starting to think that if you want to see the “unpretty” things about life, just become a teacher.
THAT being said.
TEaching houses a lot of rewards too and it’s totally up to you whether or not you decide that it is something of value in your lifetime.
I have learned a lot through teaching others and I have really enjoyed the high points when you see students succeed, light bulbs go off and smiles of accomplishment occur.
Kids are wonderful for the most part.
They are so full of life and energy and when you know how to get them interested in something, they can shine.
Teaching in a low income district was hard. Not because of the kids, but because of the low income mindset of the depressed staff that had been in those halls for years.
They were always saying: “This place isn’t like it use to be” and no matter how hard you would try to change it, people in a small depressed town are hard to convince otherwise.
Depressed Towns are depressed for a reason.
Everyone, including the majority of the teachers, have given up on so many things.
It runs rampant in a school like mine, and like a poison infiltrates generation after generation.
The smart teachers leave.
….but not before trying to change it.
I’ve seen so many great teachers come into that district and light up like a shiney star. They improve the place for the moment they are there but then they are gone.
They leave because no one supports them.
The naysayers far outweigh the yaysayers in a town like that and you either fall into their depressive ploy or you stop trying to run uphill and you find a place where there is a team of people on the same mission in life.
You leave to find the yaysayers.
I like yaysayers.
I know it’s time for me to leave that school forever but it is still hard.
I attached myself to those kids and vested in them. I watched some of them grow from 12 to 16 or more and I’ve been a part of their lives.
Just a little part, but a part nonetheless.
When one of my kids was shot and killed, I was not surprised and I probably could have bet money that it was going to happen.
I don’t have a list, but I could, of the students that would end up in jail, on parole or dead.
I don’t write a list but when I see them on the news, I remember in my head the little voice that said “I hope they make it” when they left the safety of my classroom or the school…..not that the school is much safer than the outside.
My school, in a small town, is the only one in the area that actually has the same technology that the TSA agents use to search your luggage.
How can such a small town be so bad?
My mother thinks I should stay.
I know I’m a grown adult, but mother’s still matter. You know it’s true.
I carry an internal struggle with me now about leaving teaching forever because of my assault.
But I can’t see it any other way.
I want to be safe.
I want to teach free.
I want to create and rejoice in life.
I dont’ want to be scared.
I don’t want to be afraid
I don’t want to be judged for my “weakness”.
Schools are terrible places sometimes.
Even the teachers are bullied.
So there you go.
That’s my blog post for today.
Maybe one of these days I’ll twist a positive note on things and tell you all the wonderful things about teaching that make it worth it to at least try the profession out.